The sorrow may last through the night, but JOY comes in the morning!

On October 15th we lit our candle for our precious Olive baby.  We lost her at 8 weeks and 2 days on September 17th, 2012.  Our first doctor told us on September 11th (my grandmother's birthday) that she was gone and refused to give us a second set of blood work so we could know ourselves for sure.
Our second and current doctor granted us the blood work we wanted and confirmed our worst nightmare on my birthday, Sept. 17th.  Worst month of my life.
This September 2013, we mourned, but we also celebrated.  On National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day, we lit Olive's candle.  We prayed for Olive, we prayed for all the other babies and children taken too soon and their parents.  We cried.  But we also CELEBRATED.
Though the sorrow may last through the night, the JOY always comes in the morning.  And might I also suggest that JOY comes in the MOURNING.  We mourned the loss of our first child. We had great friends who helped us through that time and JOY came from the mourning.  I find great JOY in my friendships that have formed as a result.  I find great JOY in the bond that our loss formed in my husband and I. And though I would never wish to go through a miscarriage again or even relive Olive's pregnancy, we walked through something that made us stronger.  We formed lasting friendships with other couples, we have a story... a testimony to tell of God's great LOVE. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have Olive in my arms right now, but I can't know GOD'S PLAN. I do trust that He has one and that He knows what is best for my husband and I.

Fast forward to the MORNING.  Here we are at 1+ years later and 23 weeks pregnant with Olive's sibling. The sorrow may last through the night, the JOY always comes in the morning. We are thrilled but at the same time anxious.  Though I've heard so many say that at least you know in your womb your child is safe, but I feel just the opposite.  As much as I can try to eat well and do the right things, I feel I have no control over what goes on in my own body.  I CAN'T WAIT to see my son and hold him in my arms and know without a doubt that he is safe and that when he cries, I can COMFORT him. 

At this point in the pregnancy, I'm beginning to feel our baby move and kick and stretch... With every movement I fall more and more in LOVE. The days that he is very active, I'm head over heels.  The days he spends napping, I'm most anxious and every kick is a reassuring SMILE. I love his movements, I love reading about each week and what that week means for my baby. This week he's the size of a pomegranate. I love pomegranates. Best fruit ever. I'll probably go to the grocery store and hold one to my belly this week. The brilliant red color and perfect shape of the pomegranate is beautiful to me. How much more BEAUTIFUL is the miracle of a child from week 1 to week 39? Through the rough 1st trimester, the blessed 2nd trimester, and the weary 3rd trimester, the JOY certainly comes in the MORNING. 

And yes, our baby is a bouncing baby boy! We found out at 19 weeks. And I had a gender reveal in my office. 

The promises of God

And we begin with Philippians 1:6: Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

This verse came to me 2 days after God gave me a song.  I was sitting on my bed watching Dr. Who (of all things) and decided to get up for a snack.  That's when the song came.
Micky and I were patiently waiting to see if we had gotten pregnant. It had been 7 months of trying and on July 6th God gave me a song and I felt on that night and this was it.  God touched my heart and I knew. I shared this with Micky and he felt it too.  I wasn't even thinking of testing because I still had to wait another week before I could test and be sure. But the next night, as I walked through the bathroom, I felt God again...'Shellie, go test.' And so I did...

It was the next morning when I got to work and checked my work email. I get a daily Bible verse and that day's verse was Philippians 1:6.  I claimed that verse for this baby, this pregnancy.  I love how we can do that, claim a verse for a particular trial or time in our life.  God's word is unchanging and forever. His word is truth and the good work that has begun in me, it will come to completion. We will have a baby and this baby has already been given to God. We give thanks every day for this wonderful, healthy life growing inside me.  We've heard the heartbeat 4 times. It is a miraculous sound.  A wonderful sound. A sound God knew we needed to hear that very first appointment at 7 weeks.  A song to our ears. So strong and beautiful.

And now, here we are at 10 weeks and our baby is doing flip flops!  I love this child so much.  So very much. 

I still find myself worrying every now and again, but I just have to hold on to Philippians. To hold on to my faith in our Creator who is doing a wonderful thing inside me.
We ask for your prayers as our baby continues to grow and develop. That he or she will be strong and healthy, and be a man or woman after God's own heart.
If you're pregnant or know of someone who is pregnant, I would recommend the book, Praying Through your Pregnancy. What a blessing it has been to read about baby's development but to also find prayers to pray over your baby as he/she grows.
God's miracles never cease to amaze me.

So Fresh and So Clean, Clean...

...so this post is about a new product I'm using on my face. It's an all natural face wash/scrub and I thought it would be fun to post about any results I see. I hope you enjoy it!

Before I let you read about that, let me preface by saying Wednesday's angst has worn off... for now.
I'm always doing quite well the rest of the time and do quite enjoy my husband and our "practice" time, but it's always the day I realize we are, yet again, not pregnant that takes it's toll on me.. My hope is that this blog will reach others walking through the same journey. 

And now without further ado.. EffOff. :)
    So a few weeks ago a friend of mine posted a facebook profile pic and there were several comments about how great her skin looked.  She replied by telling us about EffOff Body Care; all the products are made from completely natural ingredients and feel much better compared to using numerous chemicals for acne, dry skin, oily skin, or whatever else might be ailing your skin. I ordered a trial pack and received it on May 22nd and have used the stuff daily. I use it at night before going to bed and in the morning I use it before makeup. It can be used as a wash, a scrub, or a mask and to do this requires more or less water depending on what you want to do.  The scrub and mask requires less water and the wash, a little more water.

I thought it would be fun to detail my experience and share with you the results. I'm excited to find out what differences will be noticeable after a month or two.  I have already had one comment on how smooth my skin looks. I mean, I'm not getting any younger... yes, I know I still look like I'm in my 20's... I'm not.

Here are some pictures showing how I've used it and any results that may be visible in the 20 or so days that I have been using it. 

After just a few days (with makeup): (had a major breakout)

Without makeup (is this brave or what?):

With EffOff: 

Spot treatment: Looks like I'm diseased!

And here's me after 18 days: 

(Oddly enough, I think my makeup looks better since I've been using EffOff!)

So far, I'm really enjoying using a more natural approach on my skin. It feels great to not be using so many chemicals, acne cream, oil control moisturizer, etc.  I'm really hoping to see a difference in how smooth my skin looks and a reduction in break-outs.  I have definitely seen an improvement as far as oil goes. I have the t-zone and have noticed a huge improvement in the amount of oil my skin produces.  The oil is still there as a natural process, your skin needs oil, but it's not over producing trying to compensate for what I'm washing away with chemicals. The amount of oil that I'm seeing now is enough to give my skin a natural glow.  And that's what everyone wants right? Anyway, I will keep y'all updated as to what improvements I'm seeing and if anyone else is noticing as well.  

Thanks for following!

And finally...  EffOff duck face! (I hate duck face! Seriously, you don't look good making duck face.)

To be continued...

Really?

Can I just be utterly real for a minute?  Completely real and raw and angry.  

Infertility SUCKS. 

And if I told you how I really felt, this blog would get an R rating. 

I really just feel like throwing something right now.  Like screaming and throwing something. 

And I can NOT EVEN imagine how those of you feel whom doctors have told you'll never be pregnant. 

My heart goes out to you. My prayers, my emotions, my very being reaches out to you.  Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you every day.  

Because this sucks. 

Yet another period has come and I truly thought that this time would be it.  I was even feeling nauseas. But I guess I can chalk that up to not taking my vitamins with food.  UGH!! 

I mean, come on!   Though, I guess I can't really be mad. 

My prayers as of late have been that God would make me strong, would keep me healthy, keep my womb healthy and for any baby that is made there he/she would be healthly and strong.  So one of those things must not be where it needs to be.  Or God's timing for our baby just isn't yet. But when? Why was Olive allowed to touch our lives, only to be taken away?  When is that time?  Why that time and not last time?  

I'm angry.  But not that Olive was taken away.  I'm angry because we STILL aren't pregnant. We still aren't pregnant after being given our precious Olive for 8 weeks. 

And yet, in my heart and my mind I know God has his plans and I know his plans are perfect but man, this is hard. 

God, give me strength, help me to not be cynical and hardened. Father this next baby... this baby we are praying for and longing for, we know he/she is not ours, but yours.  We pray for your timing and we give our baby to you, to be a follower of you, to be great in you, to do great things in you, to do your will and that means your time, in your way. Help us to hold on to that. To be strong and KNOW that you are near and that you have our best interests at heart... The waiting is hard, Lord. Help is to wait in you, to wait and know that you are God. Be still and know that you are God. 

Motivation has returned...

One year ago in May we first started trying to get pregnant. 10.5 months since we lost our first baby. And it's taken that long for me to get my motivation back.

Motivation to work in my garden, motivation to do normal household chores, to do anything I once enjoyed. Even the motivation to read is coming back, although, admittedly,that was lost when I graduated college.
I can't believe it's taken this long.
My garden is looking great, though I do still have some weeding to do and a flower needs relocating.  Micky and I want to do so much to the yard and to the house, but it's time and money we don't have right now.
But I think it'll happen slowly and surely...

Mother's Day... and small victories.

Who knew choosing a Mother's Day card could be so difficult...
Started out glancing through them, but with each one I picked up, trying to find the perfect one for my own mother, the tears just started coming.
It hurt. It physically hurt. I could feel the hole in my heart and... it..hurt.
So there I was, right by the front door of the store, tears in my eyes... I had to walk away. People just walking in and I'm sure the cashier probably thought I was crazy.
I went about my business and left as soon as I could.

When I got to my car the tears were still there, but the flood didn't start until I pulled into my own driveway. I felt an emptiness, I felt it all the way home... Hollow and alone. I sat in my car for a good 10 minutes and cried. Because I didn't know what else to do, I cried.
I asked God to hold me, I longed for my grandmother because I knew she would understand.

God, hold me. Keep me. Help me to know your plan. To accept your plan.
Because I'm lost. I don't know what to do, what to feel... Is what I am feeling, well founded?
Three people I know are pregnant and weren't even trying. Are my thoughts well founded when I ask, "why them, and not me?"

In the time since the miscarriage, I've learned of a lot of friends and family who have had miscarriages. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I am realizing how common it actually is. Of my close circle of friends from college, 4 of the 5 whom have gotten married have had children. Each of them carried to term and had healthy pregnancies. So when I became pregnant, though I knew of the fears, I hadn't given thought to what might happen.

So WHEN it happens again, my husband corrects me constantly that it's "when" and not "if" we get pregnant again, there will be fears... many more than before, but I'm learning through all this that I must put it in God's hands. I must give this to God. I must give my fears, my anger, my sadness, my questions, my feelings, and especially my future to God. I must learn to (as cliche as it sounds) let go and let God.

I feel myself growing through this, I feel us growing through this and my hope is that sooner, rather than later we'll have good news. But of course, it's all in God's time.

I updated Olive's memorial shelf today and I thought I'd share the difference. Today, I threw away flowers that had been given to me after the miscarriage. I had dried them and carefully and lovingly put them back in the vase they had come in and placed them on the shelf with Olive's sonogram and memory box.
As small a gesture it may seem, it's a huge step for me. I'm letting go a little bit at a time and it feels good. I love that Olive is a part of our house. You can't come in and not see her. She's a part of us that I don't want to keep hidden. Which, I guess is another reason I'm writing this blog. Most of you who know me, know that I love to write. It's how I deal with life. So here it is; while I try to put my life back together and get our house in order, I'd like to share our story. Thank you for reading and following along but more than anything, thank you for the prayers.

I Could Not Ask for More

Now, I've heard this song before, in fact it's one of the songs my husband and I shared with each other during our long distance dating stage.

But this evening when it came up in my iTunes playlist, I couldn't help but think of our next baby. I know that when we are blessed with a tiny bundle of joy my favorite past time will be lying with my baby, watching him/her sleep, watching for the smile I know will melt my heart...
My baby, my love you're all I'm waiting for, you're my prayer, you're my dream and I'll be right here waiting for you. Right where I'm meant to be, in God's time we'll see each other, we'll be right where we're meant to be.

Praying for you, baby, whenever you are.

#BiologicalClockIsTicking

I Could Not Ask for More
(Sara Evans)

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything in me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments
I know all I need is this
I've found all I've waited for, yeah
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Yeah, right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
Yeah

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Yeah, right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Oh, here with you here with me
No, I could not ask for more
Than this love you gave me
Cause it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
No, yeah
No, I could not ask for more