Really?

Can I just be utterly real for a minute?  Completely real and raw and angry.  

Infertility SUCKS. 

And if I told you how I really felt, this blog would get an R rating. 

I really just feel like throwing something right now.  Like screaming and throwing something. 

And I can NOT EVEN imagine how those of you feel whom doctors have told you'll never be pregnant. 

My heart goes out to you. My prayers, my emotions, my very being reaches out to you.  Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you every day.  

Because this sucks. 

Yet another period has come and I truly thought that this time would be it.  I was even feeling nauseas. But I guess I can chalk that up to not taking my vitamins with food.  UGH!! 

I mean, come on!   Though, I guess I can't really be mad. 

My prayers as of late have been that God would make me strong, would keep me healthy, keep my womb healthy and for any baby that is made there he/she would be healthly and strong.  So one of those things must not be where it needs to be.  Or God's timing for our baby just isn't yet. But when? Why was Olive allowed to touch our lives, only to be taken away?  When is that time?  Why that time and not last time?  

I'm angry.  But not that Olive was taken away.  I'm angry because we STILL aren't pregnant. We still aren't pregnant after being given our precious Olive for 8 weeks. 

And yet, in my heart and my mind I know God has his plans and I know his plans are perfect but man, this is hard. 

God, give me strength, help me to not be cynical and hardened. Father this next baby... this baby we are praying for and longing for, we know he/she is not ours, but yours.  We pray for your timing and we give our baby to you, to be a follower of you, to be great in you, to do great things in you, to do your will and that means your time, in your way. Help us to hold on to that. To be strong and KNOW that you are near and that you have our best interests at heart... The waiting is hard, Lord. Help is to wait in you, to wait and know that you are God. Be still and know that you are God.