I Don't Think you Understand...

...nearly two years ago, we had a miscarriage.   Tomorrow we get to meet our second child, our blessed baby boy. And we know our life is never going to be the same.  We know we'll have sleepless nights, our social life will be non existent, our house will be messy... "and remember, you wanted this..." Yes.  We've longed for this. What you don't understand is that we've been waiting for this for 2 years. We can't wait to hear the cries in the middle of the night, I can't wait to nurse my son in his rocking chair at 1:45am when the rest of the world is quiet, we can't wait to change diapers, to hold our baby in our arms and know he is safe and comfort him and hear him coo. We can't wait for our life to change.  This "change" was taken from us two years ago and we've longed for it ever since. 

So if I tell you, here in my third trimester, that I'm tired, that I'm so ready to feel normal again, don't tell me we'll never sleep again, don't tell me our life will never be the same; we are beyond blessed and so ready to start on a new path and welcome our baby boy. We know our lives are about to change and we've been looking forward to it, to our son in our arms for 2 years.  

Miscarriage is a horrible thing and unless you've had one or even tried for years to conceive, you can't know just how anticipated those sleepless nights are.  We are excited to welcome our first born into the world tomorrow and can't wait for you to meet him. 

"Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago." Isaiah 25:1

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6 

And he is our promise from God. Our good work that he created in me that will come to completion on his birthday, March 7, 2014 and live to glorify God.  For we will praise God for he has done wonderful things, things planned long ago - and we can't wait to see that plan unfold. :)

Our Little Blessing

The sorrow may last through the night, but JOY comes in the morning!

On October 15th we lit our candle for our precious Olive baby.  We lost her at 8 weeks and 2 days on September 17th, 2012.  Our first doctor told us on September 11th (my grandmother's birthday) that she was gone and refused to give us a second set of blood work so we could know ourselves for sure.
Our second and current doctor granted us the blood work we wanted and confirmed our worst nightmare on my birthday, Sept. 17th.  Worst month of my life.
This September 2013, we mourned, but we also celebrated.  On National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day, we lit Olive's candle.  We prayed for Olive, we prayed for all the other babies and children taken too soon and their parents.  We cried.  But we also CELEBRATED.
Though the sorrow may last through the night, the JOY always comes in the morning.  And might I also suggest that JOY comes in the MOURNING.  We mourned the loss of our first child. We had great friends who helped us through that time and JOY came from the mourning.  I find great JOY in my friendships that have formed as a result.  I find great JOY in the bond that our loss formed in my husband and I. And though I would never wish to go through a miscarriage again or even relive Olive's pregnancy, we walked through something that made us stronger.  We formed lasting friendships with other couples, we have a story... a testimony to tell of God's great LOVE. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have Olive in my arms right now, but I can't know GOD'S PLAN. I do trust that He has one and that He knows what is best for my husband and I.

Fast forward to the MORNING.  Here we are at 1+ years later and 23 weeks pregnant with Olive's sibling. The sorrow may last through the night, the JOY always comes in the morning. We are thrilled but at the same time anxious.  Though I've heard so many say that at least you know in your womb your child is safe, but I feel just the opposite.  As much as I can try to eat well and do the right things, I feel I have no control over what goes on in my own body.  I CAN'T WAIT to see my son and hold him in my arms and know without a doubt that he is safe and that when he cries, I can COMFORT him. 

At this point in the pregnancy, I'm beginning to feel our baby move and kick and stretch... With every movement I fall more and more in LOVE. The days that he is very active, I'm head over heels.  The days he spends napping, I'm most anxious and every kick is a reassuring SMILE. I love his movements, I love reading about each week and what that week means for my baby. This week he's the size of a pomegranate. I love pomegranates. Best fruit ever. I'll probably go to the grocery store and hold one to my belly this week. The brilliant red color and perfect shape of the pomegranate is beautiful to me. How much more BEAUTIFUL is the miracle of a child from week 1 to week 39? Through the rough 1st trimester, the blessed 2nd trimester, and the weary 3rd trimester, the JOY certainly comes in the MORNING. 

And yes, our baby is a bouncing baby boy! We found out at 19 weeks. And I had a gender reveal in my office.