The sorrow may last through the night, but JOY comes in the morning!

On October 15th we lit our candle for our precious Olive baby.  We lost her at 8 weeks and 2 days on September 17th, 2012.  Our first doctor told us on September 11th (my grandmother's birthday) that she was gone and refused to give us a second set of blood work so we could know ourselves for sure.
Our second and current doctor granted us the blood work we wanted and confirmed our worst nightmare on my birthday, Sept. 17th.  Worst month of my life.
This September 2013, we mourned, but we also celebrated.  On National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day, we lit Olive's candle.  We prayed for Olive, we prayed for all the other babies and children taken too soon and their parents.  We cried.  But we also CELEBRATED.
Though the sorrow may last through the night, the JOY always comes in the morning.  And might I also suggest that JOY comes in the MOURNING.  We mourned the loss of our first child. We had great friends who helped us through that time and JOY came from the mourning.  I find great JOY in my friendships that have formed as a result.  I find great JOY in the bond that our loss formed in my husband and I. And though I would never wish to go through a miscarriage again or even relive Olive's pregnancy, we walked through something that made us stronger.  We formed lasting friendships with other couples, we have a story... a testimony to tell of God's great LOVE. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have Olive in my arms right now, but I can't know GOD'S PLAN. I do trust that He has one and that He knows what is best for my husband and I.

Fast forward to the MORNING.  Here we are at 1+ years later and 23 weeks pregnant with Olive's sibling. The sorrow may last through the night, the JOY always comes in the morning. We are thrilled but at the same time anxious.  Though I've heard so many say that at least you know in your womb your child is safe, but I feel just the opposite.  As much as I can try to eat well and do the right things, I feel I have no control over what goes on in my own body.  I CAN'T WAIT to see my son and hold him in my arms and know without a doubt that he is safe and that when he cries, I can COMFORT him. 

At this point in the pregnancy, I'm beginning to feel our baby move and kick and stretch... With every movement I fall more and more in LOVE. The days that he is very active, I'm head over heels.  The days he spends napping, I'm most anxious and every kick is a reassuring SMILE. I love his movements, I love reading about each week and what that week means for my baby. This week he's the size of a pomegranate. I love pomegranates. Best fruit ever. I'll probably go to the grocery store and hold one to my belly this week. The brilliant red color and perfect shape of the pomegranate is beautiful to me. How much more BEAUTIFUL is the miracle of a child from week 1 to week 39? Through the rough 1st trimester, the blessed 2nd trimester, and the weary 3rd trimester, the JOY certainly comes in the MORNING. 

And yes, our baby is a bouncing baby boy! We found out at 19 weeks. And I had a gender reveal in my office. 

Really?

Can I just be utterly real for a minute?  Completely real and raw and angry.  

Infertility SUCKS. 

And if I told you how I really felt, this blog would get an R rating. 

I really just feel like throwing something right now.  Like screaming and throwing something. 

And I can NOT EVEN imagine how those of you feel whom doctors have told you'll never be pregnant. 

My heart goes out to you. My prayers, my emotions, my very being reaches out to you.  Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you every day.  

Because this sucks. 

Yet another period has come and I truly thought that this time would be it.  I was even feeling nauseas. But I guess I can chalk that up to not taking my vitamins with food.  UGH!! 

I mean, come on!   Though, I guess I can't really be mad. 

My prayers as of late have been that God would make me strong, would keep me healthy, keep my womb healthy and for any baby that is made there he/she would be healthly and strong.  So one of those things must not be where it needs to be.  Or God's timing for our baby just isn't yet. But when? Why was Olive allowed to touch our lives, only to be taken away?  When is that time?  Why that time and not last time?  

I'm angry.  But not that Olive was taken away.  I'm angry because we STILL aren't pregnant. We still aren't pregnant after being given our precious Olive for 8 weeks. 

And yet, in my heart and my mind I know God has his plans and I know his plans are perfect but man, this is hard. 

God, give me strength, help me to not be cynical and hardened. Father this next baby... this baby we are praying for and longing for, we know he/she is not ours, but yours.  We pray for your timing and we give our baby to you, to be a follower of you, to be great in you, to do great things in you, to do your will and that means your time, in your way. Help us to hold on to that. To be strong and KNOW that you are near and that you have our best interests at heart... The waiting is hard, Lord. Help is to wait in you, to wait and know that you are God. Be still and know that you are God.