Started out glancing through them, but with each one I picked up, trying to find the perfect one for my own mother, the tears just started coming.
It hurt. It physically hurt. I could feel the hole in my heart and... it..hurt.
So there I was, right by the front door of the store, tears in my eyes... I had to walk away. People just walking in and I'm sure the cashier probably thought I was crazy.
I went about my business and left as soon as I could.
When I got to my car the tears were still there, but the flood didn't start until I pulled into my own driveway. I felt an emptiness, I felt it all the way home... Hollow and alone. I sat in my car for a good 10 minutes and cried. Because I didn't know what else to do, I cried.
I asked God to hold me, I longed for my grandmother because I knew she would understand.
God, hold me. Keep me. Help me to know your plan. To accept your plan.
Because I'm lost. I don't know what to do, what to feel... Is what I am feeling, well founded?
Three people I know are pregnant and weren't even trying. Are my thoughts well founded when I ask, "why them, and not me?"
In the time since the miscarriage, I've learned of a lot of friends and family who have had miscarriages. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I am realizing how common it actually is. Of my close circle of friends from college, 4 of the 5 whom have gotten married have had children. Each of them carried to term and had healthy pregnancies. So when I became pregnant, though I knew of the fears, I hadn't given thought to what might happen.
So WHEN it happens again, my husband corrects me constantly that it's "when" and not "if" we get pregnant again, there will be fears... many more than before, but I'm learning through all this that I must put it in God's hands. I must give this to God. I must give my fears, my anger, my sadness, my questions, my feelings, and especially my future to God. I must learn to (as cliche as it sounds) let go and let God.
I feel myself growing through this, I feel us growing through this and my hope is that sooner, rather than later we'll have good news. But of course, it's all in God's time.
I updated Olive's memorial shelf today and I thought I'd share the difference. Today, I threw away flowers that had been given to me after the miscarriage. I had dried them and carefully and lovingly put them back in the vase they had come in and placed them on the shelf with Olive's sonogram and memory box.
As small a gesture it may seem, it's a huge step for me. I'm letting go a little bit at a time and it feels good. I love that Olive is a part of our house. You can't come in and not see her. She's a part of us that I don't want to keep hidden. Which, I guess is another reason I'm writing this blog. Most of you who know me, know that I love to write. It's how I deal with life. So here it is; while I try to put my life back together and get our house in order, I'd like to share our story. Thank you for reading and following along but more than anything, thank you for the prayers.
